The Joys of Apartment-Living...

I recently read a blog about what may be one of the worst and funniest landlord sagas I've ever heard. It got me thinking that my apartment life horror stories haven't been so bad in comparison, but put all-together, I can weave an epic tale of terrible apartment/landlord/roommate luck.

I think I'll chronicle my ridiculous experiences living "on my own" (i.e. away from the parental units).


I think my mom prepared me for living on my own as best she could. I know how to cook (I just don't like to), I know how to do laundry/iron (skills I have improved upon thanks to required wardrobe crew assignments in college), I know how to balance a checkbook (although this skill would very soon become obsolete with online/mobile phone banking), and I know how to clean up after myself (again, not something I like to do). That being said, preparing for doing things on your own is a whole different ball game than actually figuring life out on your own.







My First Time Living Away From Home:



The Dorm

I studied Theatre Arts at the University of Northern Colorado (the other UNC) in Greeley, affectionately (or not)known as "G-Town". It's about 90 minutes (driving while mostly obeying designated speed limit signs) northwest of Denver. The "Powers That Be" in the housing department must have thought it would be hilarious to put two freshman girls together who shared the same name and have them live across the hall from 2 guys named Bryan/Brian. Lazy-ass bastards. (In housing department's defense, we remained roommates for all four years of college and I was in her wedding, but still...lazy.) We lived on the 2nd floor of a T-shaped dorm building called Wiebking (web-king) Hall. It had 3 floors plus a basement where the laundry room, common room, kitchen, and the kids who must have pissed off someone lived. The 3rd floor was the all-girls floor aka "The Nunnery." The 2nd floor was generally where all of the performing arts majors lived. Our R.A was a very straightlaced, overbearing double business major whom we shall call Lindsey (mostly because that was her name). Lindsey sounds like the perfect resident advisor for a bunch of artsy kids who've just been given more freedom/less responsibility than any of them have ever had (or will probably ever have) in their lives, huh? Were we loud? Yes. Were we obnoxious? Definitely. Were we overdramatic? Der. Did she treat us like people? Nope. From day 1 she had a little power trip and expected us to all love her without trying to get to know any of us personally, you know...as people. And yet, she could never understand why none of us respected her. And as far as I could tell, she never "advised" us on much of anything...except what a bitch she could be.

Dorm life was an adjustment but nothing too alarming happened, except for the night the alcoholic kid down the hall got drunk and decided to take a shower at 2am only to pass out in the boys' shower in such a way that his ass blocked the drain and he flooded the second floor hallway. Yeah, he and his drunk drain-blocking-ass got expelled.
Or the time the dumbass bitchy girl down the (other) hall tried to hang a jacket on the sprinkler head (you know, the one that sprays nasty-ass flame-dousing liquid in the event of a fire or it being tampered with) and broke it and thousands of gallons of water flooded her room, 1/3 of the second floor, the 1st floor, and the basement. Yeah, her ass got sued.

Yup, just a typical college freshman year living in the dorm.





-Not Currently Starving, and Happy to Have a Roof Over Her Head

More Letters to the World

Dear MRI Machines,

You are giant and scary and loud. I do not like you. I fear/dislike you so much, that I (a late-twenty-something young woman) brought one Perry the Platypus into the procedure with me. I hope you're happy. The technicians I'm sure had a hearty chuckle at my expense after I left the facility. Do not judge me, MRI!

Perry the Platypus judges you.






-Not Curently Starving, but My Knee Hurts Like Hell.

A Word of Advice

Dear Reader(s),

Here is a word of advice regarding office/job etiquette. Did you know that showing up 40 minutes early to your first day/interview/temporary assignment is just as bad and annoying as showing up late? What's worse than showing up early? Showing up early, then taking a 45 minute shit in their bathroom. Yeah, don't do that.


-Not Currently Starving, But Having to Work in a Stanky Office.

Random Happenings

I took this picture on 6th ave across from Bryant Park yesterday during my lunch break, where the award-winning show Top Gear was filming. In case you don't know, the show airs on BBC America and History Channel and is about nice/expensive/top-of-the-line cars/gadgets.
Now I am in no way a car expert or one of those girls that won't look at you unless you have a nice flashy car. However, I will admit that I do like shiny things, I do like to drive, I know a thing or two about cars, and I know my way around a garage and a tool belt.

Knowing all of this, I could have been on this particular segment of this episode they were filming, and probably enjoyed it very much. The concept seemed to be that they had some very sexy cars (Mercedes, Lamborghini, Viper, Bentley) painted the not-so-sexy lemon/taxi cab yellow color and that people off the street, upon signing a legal waiver, could hop on line (complete with red carpet and velvet ropes)in one of the cars for a "taxi ride" around midtown while appearing on camera. Unfortunately, I only had an hour for lunch and the line was long, so alas it did not happen.
But what really made me weep inside on behalf of awesome girls everywhere was the verbal exchange I overheard a girl on the street having with one of the promoters/waiver-hander-outers. It went like this:

Girl-who-thinks-she's-a-savvy-New-Yorker-and-calling-them-out-on-their-obvious-scam: "Oh yeah, well what's so special about the cars?"

Poor Promoter-Guy-who-just-wants-to-do-his-gig-get-paid-and-go-home: "Wha-?!(Awkward pause as he can't believe he is being asked this while standing in front of 4 cars that combined costs probably total around $1 million)Um...well, they're expensive cars. Really expensive sports cars."


Dear Awesome Girls Everywhere,
Come and weep with me.

-Not Currently starving, but not currently very artistic either


P.S There is also a toy train store across from Bryant Park! The people in that store kind of weird me out.

P.R.E.Y Episode 4: The replacement captain gets high...or something.

The first night of shooting episode 4 of P.R.E.Y was last night (if you haven't seen it yet, you are not my friend and shame on you go watch it now).


Without giving too much away, let's just say that it was more of a clusterfuck than usual. Beer was had by most (as per the norm for filming this show) however, one cast member (who was a replacement for a previous cast member who suffered from douche-itis) either had one too many or started the party before he got to the shoot. Not to say that we as a cast and crew are the epitome of professionalism. (It's pronounced "e-pit-O-me" Shia Labeouf)

But I'd like to think the majority of us care enough about the project to make an effort to make a decent product that we want to be proud of.

I, for one, am no stranger to being intoxicated in front of the camera. In fact, some of my funnier scenes in episode 3 are when I have been rather awkwardly inebriated (thanks mostly to Tommy's awesome editing) but I manage to string intelligible words/sentences together to make sense in the context of the show and react to what is going on at the present moment...in other words, I can still act my way out of a paper bag after the imbibefication of 3-5 beers. (See, I can make up words just like you, Sarah Palin)


Beers. Beers, and occasionally rum. Not whatever the captain was tokin on last night. Last I checked, no other cast member has ever decided they would start pulling out people's chest and arm hair while the camera is rolling, or proposition visitors, or wander in and out of frame during the take. But, maybe my standards are just too high for this no-budget/non-paying/indie web project.

My solution: we kill off and re-cast the character in every episode. Like a red shirt.

-Not Currently Starving, but frustrated with my art

Letters to the world

Dear little mouse in my kitchen,
You are so little and cute, but I'm sorry, you are vermin and your little poopies carry Hantavirus and therefore, you must die sooner than God intended. Please know that I will feel a considerable amount of guilt when I hear the click of the trap. No hard feelings.
Your Host,
Jess

Dear radio station,
I don't know who or what you are, but you are the only station with perfect music-to-talk-to-commercial ratio at the wee hours of the morning when I have to wake up for work. That being said, could you please play something other than Green Day and Red Hot Chili Peppers every morning at 6:30am? Thanks.

-Not Currently Starving, But a Little Cranky
(this artist is not 'morning people')

This is Halloween, this is Halloween...drunken blog.

Please note that I wrote this blog when I got home from my All Hallow's Eve gallivanting, but was too inebriated to figure out passwords and clicking the "New Post" button. So I discovered it today. Wow. I have not edited said blog in any way. Here is my train of thought for the evening.

Drunken Halloween blog 3-of-sort-of-3 1:11am (technically) 11-1-10


Horray! I thought of so many great AND AMAZING THINGS TO BLOG ABOUT TONIGHT WHILE I WAS SEMI-[ASSED OUT ON THE TRAIN RIDE HOME FROM Sky and Neil’s performance at Bar 9 ….but now I don’t realu remember them…..and I just realizedt at I wrote most of that last sentence in caps lock….my bad…

Jarrett id amazing an making me pasta since we couldn’t have taco bell, my favorite drunken food ever!!!! Stupid taco bell not delivering and not being in brookltny where I live!!!

I do know that the man on the F train tonight talked lik Sam Eagle from the Muppets and the tone of his voice cmbined wit the jerky motion of the train made me want to throw up. So, I discovered the greatest postion ever on the train is sitting with your head in your hands with your fingers in your ears, while the other fingers folding your ear lobrs over themse;ves so you can’t hear anything and then breating really deeply ina dna out just conv=centrating on the brewathing until you get to your stop and get the glorious peace of outside and the cold air. THAT, my friends id how you aifd puking on the train on Halloween.

Mind you, it doesn’t always wrokm. Especially if youre at a arty where you don’t know awaht idson in the :jungle hjuice” ut you drink it anyway and the you smoke a cigar ‘cause it soudnsa like a good idea ata the time,a nd then you bond with your friend’s obnoxious ass grielfriedn who you hate but eacause you’re drunk she seems super nice but deep down you still hate her and you pray she doesn’t remember this drunken bonding upon your next meeting, but she does and you hate your life because of it, and then you thrw up on the train plateform and have to hep tyour boyfriend move to a neq burroght the next day, and this is so epic, I forgot where I was foin with it, and now my pasts if ready so I;m gonna eat it and then pass out do I can get up at thwe ass-end of early tomorrow to go to work.


My point, and I do have one, is Happy Halloween!!
Hope everyone issafe!

And I lost my camera tonight…..BEFORE I started drinkinng!!! Fuck.

-Currently Starving for Pasta